I saw the end of this movie…. Leap of Faith…. ( with Steve Martin)…. it just started again.. so i may write and watch this  at teh same time…  

anyone else ever watch this?… any comments?…. 

I am sorry to report… two years of praying to St.Jude for protection from harm… for  a huge financiel miracle… well no prayes were answered no miracles occured…. 

I am a bit frustrated… and very disapponted…. in these past 8 years…. in a lot of horrible expereinces that it should have never had to go through… and of the friends and family members who not only haven’t contacted me..or helped me… but have pretty much abandoned me…  
 
yes i am frustrated…. and disappointed…. and yes  probably everyone and their brother prays for  some sort of miracle.. at at one point in time i had people trying to convince me that not evreyone gets a miracle… or that these  really stupid incidents were miracles… like having to deal with a crook  and a screwed up mortgage… and a broker who stole $3000.00 ( in some twisted way they were trying to convicne me that is a miracle…  Not my idea of a miracle…  )

defination of a miracle:

anyway…. its not like i  was delusional  and thought that god himself was going  to  come down from some clouds… and  banish all the bad people using a lightening rod or anythng….  I just thought that some really wonderful blessings … would actually occur and woudl occur without  anyone threatening me.. or scaring me.. or  harming me or my life…

and   these miracles … would be real… not  some made up story  trying to explainaway another horrible experience…. with some lies and twists….. not some freak who is narrating an even or tryingto predict the events outcome… like anidiot who thinks they are an actor.. or some  freak who thinks they can manipulate a life …my life and   then not be responsible for the aftermath… the consequences….  

I known some or most of  the idiots (the bullies… and  girls who were lying… and/are  stealing babysitting jobs or just manipulating things ….  )   the same peole i had to deal with  on the phone who don’t always have my best interest at heart…  
I’m just tired of them  “winning”…..( go ask karen kahel.. or any of the mean girls… what it must feel liek to bully and to ruin rlives and businesses…. and they call it winning…)

I guess I thought God was supposed to be bigger than that….  bigger than a hacker  who steals phoen messges… or a thief who seal files… for a busines… or an idenity  theif who steals clothes or jewlery…. 

 that God wasn’t some wealthy guy or girl or family who actully had to “sponser your life”…. ( that  is how it feels now.. that unless you have money and soembody who approves of your actions .. you really don’t  get anythng you want ..it doesnt matter how much you work.. what choices you make.. people will make decisions  based on what they want  your life to be like… and then you have to deal with the consequences… 

for example… i dislike Walmart.. and mc donalds.. and other businesses… and i had a fake mom on the phone… basically  giving a play by play of her directions using the plaes i dilike as lanmarks.. as if she were marketing those establishments.. and as if me or my family actully go to those establishments….  whcih i dont like… then i get this really poor family on the phone who does like mc donalds… or whatever… its like in the truman show..when the wife  was trying to sell these products by using them…. it’s  freaky and unnatural.. and seems so fake…..

also…. by putting someone thorugh hell ( I unfortunately became the peson who was somehow chosen to go through hell…. )  then i am supposed to just bounce  back and not only pretend that it never happend or affected my life… but i am supposed to “deal with it”  and figure out how to fix the mess they made… So where is God in all of this… . he seems to be absent… his blessings seem to go to anyone who can steal them… or lie and cheat and steal….  because being honest hasn’t helped me one bit.. telling the truth.. working hard.. and  planing for a great future.. nope… no miracles…. when you are acutlly telling the truth….  and praying for them… or expecting them ….it goes to someone younger.. prettier.. thinnner.. and who can manipulate lives…. or who can steal without it bothering them…  what a shame…. i actually thought i coudl give this big testimony… of how God answers prayers…   how having faith for 8 years… and prayeing a St Jude novena for two years actully will work eventually  it will owrk… but i am really sorry to say … i cannot… as o ftoday.. i can not… this real life… average perosn.. can honestly say…. that i will still be going to court to try to make  sure i keep my home….. this tuesday… then going through more hell after that… so much  for positive thinking .. prayers.. and God’s miracles….  

i guess althe negative people were rigt…. and I guess i was right.. i didnt matter…..     


and if that is true.. then there really isn’t a god… just a bunch of people who  use people like puppets….  and if that is the case.. what the hell have i been dong praying to a being that might not even exist? Who doesn’t   seem to answer prayers… and who doesn’t even  seem to care one way or another….   

I mean did mark zuckerberg ( facebook)  pray to  God?  or
 Bill Gates did he pray? or what about Warren buffet? …. Does anyone know if he prays? I havent really heard that anyof the billionaires actualy prayed… they just  became succcessful  perhaps without  having  to pray.. so what exactly  does prayer do?  

no priests I have spoken to lately have  told me of examples of miracles happening though prayer…  i meet a lot of mesed up people who pray… and  people who have problems who pray…. but the really succesful  happy people…. who have more  than enough of everythng… do they have to pray?  

Does anyone have any real answeres?

to end this blog on a positve and funny note….  the joel osteen  joke was funny today….  about a catholic school ( i thnk) anyway there was a lunch line…  and a nun had written  a note on the bowl of apples… ( jsut take one…God is watching) ..further down the lunch line a child had writen a note on the choc. chip cookies…. take all you want.. God is watching the apples…. HA!  

” Today if you feel like everything is against you , instead of considering  our circumstances , consider your God.  He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all you could  ever ask, think or imagine.He has plans are for your good and he can make a way where there seems to be no way- Look to him, trust him, hold fast to what he’s placed in your heart because he is working behind the scenes Just like  Abraham you’ll see every dream and desire fulfilled for  the Glory of God!”

Wow,  Now that is a positive quote from joel osteen.. actualy most of his blog posts are so very positive… today i had a call from a person  in his ministry…. and she said an amazing prayer….  thanking God for his blessings.. and such a positive, unwavering  belief that her prayer would be answered… that God would and could  answer our prayers…

recently i have had so many people who have wanted me to believe  for less… to dream less.. to want  less… and  its so different than when you have your  supportive and loving family and  friends  around …..   having a bully call twice on the  phone tonight…     made me a bit worried that i would have to go through all sorts of hell again…  but i immediately called  the  police  and wanted to put a stop to it right  away….. and that is how i feel about the people who really aren’t my true friends… or family… who could  care less about me…  or my happiness…

then i read the quote by  joel osteen… and hope and pray that one day.. i can brag that evil was defeated… that a criminals who are intent on committing fraud by manipulating…were not only stopped from  harming me.. but stopped permanently….. and that i can be blessed… i mean really blessed… with all that i ever wanted…  family, friends, beautiful home, great, successful business….  everything…  even everything the scum has stolen these last 8 years….

For some reason and i don’t know why.. but so many catholic people are afraid to believe that god can really allow them to be really happy… to have it all…  i was told by father kelly that  joel osteen was like a santa clause preacher…    but what  is so wrong  with santa clause?…..   why can’t  we have it all…. be happy… have a great family, a successful business… beautiful home, and great friends… and even have all your wishes and dreams come true?  I mean santa clause… what a great guy… gift giver… bringing joy and merriment… laughter and presents.. the fulfillment of hopes and dreams… of wishes and all that is great and wonderful… why can’t God be like that?…. full of love and……

I like hearing that all  things are possible…   i guess that is why i like when father john ludden says  ” without a shadow of a doubt”…. it makes me fees that there are  certainties… that without a shadow of a doubt….
god is an absolute…  one true thing…

I had someone today tell me that  everyone wants to win the lottery… or have a miracle of their own..and tha god  will not or does not  answer all prayers…  they put  hope and god and dreams all  in a very small box…
so i asked them…. if god wont answer my prayers… was it because i wasn’t  tall enough? thin enough… blond enough?  or prayed long enough? not sincere enough? cry enough?  what criteria will allow a prayer to be answered… or not  answered….. anyone have an answer? …..

If there is no true and certain answer why my prayes cant be answered.. then i guess i can believe that all things are still possible…
luke 11:9:  “So I say to you , ask and it will be given to you see and  you will find knock and the   it will be opened to you for everyone
l so i am still  anticipating that prayers will be answered…. so lets see……

” Today if you feel like th edds are against you , instead of considering  our circumstances , consider your God.  He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all you coudl ever ask, thinkor imagine.Heis plans are for your good and he can make a way where the r seems to be no way- Look to him, trust hm, hold fast to what he’s placed in your heart because hi is working behind the scenes Just liek abraham youll see every dream and desire fulfilled t  the flory of God!” 

Wow,  Now that is a positive quote from joel osteen.. actualy mos tof his blog posts are so very positive… today i had a call from a person  in his ministry…. and she said an amazing prayer….  thanking God for his blessings.. and such a positive, unwavering  belief that her prayer would be answered… that God would and could  answer our prayers… 
 
recently i have had so many people who have wanted me to believe  for less… to dream less.. to want  less… and  its so different than when you have your  supportive and loving family and  friends  around …..   having a bully call twice on the  phone tonight…     made me a bit worried that i woudl have to go through all sorts of hell again…  but i immeditatly called  the  police  and wanted to put a stop to it right  away….. adn that is how i feel about the peole who really arent my true freinds… or family… who could  care less about me…  or my happiness…  

then i read the quote by  joel osteen… and hope and pray that one day.. i can brag that evl was defeated… that a criminals who are intent on committing fraud by manipulating…were not ony stopped frm  harming me.. but stopped permenently….. and that i can be blessed… i mean really blessed… with all that i ever wanted…  family, freinds, beautiful home, great, sucessful business….  everythng…  even everything the scum has stolen these last 8 years….

For some reason and i dont know why.. but so many catholic people are afraid to beleive that god can really allow them to be really happy… to have it all…  i was told by fatehr kelly that  joel osteen was like a santa clause preacher…    but what  is so wrong  with santa clause…..   why can’t  we have it all…. be happy… have a great familly a successful business… beautiful home, and great friends… and even have all your wishes and dreams come true?  I mean santa clause… what a great guy… gift giver… bringing joy and merriment… laughter and presents.. te fulfilment of hopes and dreams… of wishes and all that is great and wonderful… why can’t God be like that?…. full of love and……
 
I like hearing that all  things are possible…   i guess tha tis why i like when father john ludden says  ” without a shadow of a doubt”…. it makes me fees that there are  certainies… that without a shadow of a doubt….
god is an absolute…  one true thing…  


I had someone today tell me that  everyone wants to win teh lottery… or have a miracle of ther own..andtha god  will not or does not  answer allprayers…  they put  hope and god and dreams all  in a very small box…
 so i asked them…. if god wotn anser myprayers… was it because i wasn’t  tall enough? thin enough… blond enough?  or prayed long enough? not sincere enough? cry enough?  what criteria will allow a prayer to be answered… or not  answered….. anyone have an answer? …..

If ther is no true adn certain answer why myprayes cant be answered.. then i guessi can believe that all things are still possible…  

luke 11:9:  “So I say to you , ask and it will be given to you seek adn you will find, knock and  it will be opened to you for everyone who asks receives, ad he whoseeks finds andto hm whoknowcks it will be opened…. 

  l so i am still  anticipating that prayers wil be answered…. so lets see……

     

so in mysearchforjjsutice.com  i mentioned so many times about the wrong  ans i mean really wrong people… late tonight my fake mom on the phone  was bad mouthing my sister Maura.. saying she was cold   hearten and unhelpful that she didn’t want to help me with my home auction situation…  . or anything…. luckily i spoke with blake fletcher earlier today… and yesterday and had him also confirm that my sister is great… she is nice i mean she is a really strong and smart woman… who knows her mind and who stands up for her beliefs.. but i know for certain that she has a really sweet side  to her… and a really great personality …. and who actually has a very sensitive side….  i remember  talking to her abut the “soup for the soul stories”… and i remember her talking about when  we imagined having children  children.. …actually ….when we both had children…( of course i never got to have the opportunity)  and if we had the opportunity to raise children…. it would be nice so that they knew their cousins… and so that they could be friends…

 my sister actually both sisters   would  not have been so loved by all  their  friends…  if  they were as mean as these people on the  phone keep trying to make them …. and i know she( MAURA)   always has had so many friends… maura and mattie coudl go to any town.. int any place… and make freids.. and be loved by all…. really quickly… i always admired that about them… i was sometimes a bit more shy around strangers but woudl warm up after a while 

For some reason  people don’t  want me to have anyone who can help with  this whole hoe auction… don’t  know if they are themselves making a profit off my suffering…. or just sticking me with all the  wrong people … who aren’t my friends or family….  or influential people  who could actually help….  i couldn’t in a million years ever think that my sister would want me to go through anything bad…. lose my home over a simple and actully a small amout of money…. for most of  the  real people i used to know….   and  the  continued  misunderstandings… and the  series of  events that seem to have lead here… mysiter maura is not soem mean ogar…. who want s me to go through soethgn bad..jsut liek i had some idiot who said that she was actually picking on my mom… how rdiculious…. totally not  myisiter…. who woud lbe so cruel a sto pick n a 74 year old woman… who mad sure   we had a great chidhood and who made sure that we had evereythign  we ever needed includgn tris al aoud the world… and so many woderful experiences…. i honstly thnkit has been 8 years of havong the wrong family.. maybe longer… but  its jsut not right….  who  thought of this sick and psycho game of ruining families.. and lives only to steal property and businesses ..  do they have a consciousnss? do they have a loving mother or sister? 

Did i mention that i had someone telling  me they would help me… with solving this whole auction thing and the right of redemption but that i wasn’t  allow to work for the babysitting business s anymore?   What type of freak could that have been? … didn’t sound like someone who actually  knew a dam thing about what i did for the business… and how  hard i worked with out pay ( which by the way is kicking me in the rear… i need pay stubs and verification of income to get a loan from the bank…  and if had those i wouldn’t have been trying to have any assistance…  from friends and family…. (if i could actually get in touch with them. the funny thing is … looking back on when i had the 15, 000. in petty cash  and  lots of business… i guess I  had alot of friends … where are they now? .

since i cant reach anyone…. i am wondering if these were really great friends.. or is it that the  scummy con artists have “used up”  all the resources from  my friends…. because if ever i needed to contact my  genuine friends and family now was the time….  I’m not sure now if everyone was a true friends.. i think they were.. i usually select really great people who are genuine… and not such swayed by if you have money today or not.. in fact growing up in Saudi i don’t ever remember ever thinking   about  money.. it just wasn’t an issue…  you liked people for who who they were… and of course we were growing up  with them….  in a small safe environment where everyone got to do pretty much the same things….

 i cant even talk to them to let them know the conditions  i was trying to set for repayments.. for interest.. or for even an extra bonus to sweeten the  deal as they  say….

it is so frustrating to talk to someone whois supposed t know youand really love you.. and hasnt a clue about what yoru family was really like.. i sont know if allthese peole believe allthe lies… andi cant stop the lies… irealized that with karn kahel…. and her lies… telling me she knew my mother… and my own  mother was saying horrid things about me.. just like the liar today  who is saying my sister  would not  be nice and smart and  successful… and wouldn’t  jump through  fire to be there for her family… ( who ever she knew must have been as evil as her… to have to make others look bad and feel bad  so that she could feel better about herself.. definitional of a bully by the way….. and it was  more  for the boys she trespassed into the strand for….  the boys  she screwed ….. those boys… may have been the fake mothers who stuck up for a bully so they could get laid…. and those boys and girls…  who wouldn’t be my choice for  my friends or family ….  who could  have been on the  phone as my mother..( you can change your voice to sound like a girl if your  a boy…. that i researched… ) 

and these people are still getting away with saying bad things about me and my family…. perhaps its the girl around the corner the boys play with.. who likes upsetting me to tears or to raising my voice…. does she  do it to try to prove she is superior… the better  person  who or better family with her lies… gosh they are so pathetic… .anyway enough of them… i guess iwont get to have my real family back unti i see them in heaven.adn there will be no more bullies.. no more lies.. no mare intentional manipulation… and it will be everything  i had wanted my life to be like here….  .

 so looking back on 8 years of all of this.. not one full year of great fun and peace and happiness without some major trauma or drama i was to endure…   (  i still for the life of me think of  what  i could have possibly  done to  have so many horrible people pick on me.. so much.. and destroy  pretty much all of my life….  but i mentioned before .. i now know that  I i don’t matter… they have made that fact perfectly clear… also I  realized that it  was or is like  this whole horrible series of horrid events is all calculated… the  gilr who stole  messages.. from our phones and files from my home… .eventually stole a business (my mom started in 1990… ) . then they  completely shut us out of a business  that  was my mom’s legacy… and  stole  a business by stealing  the babysitting jobs…  stealing contracts  … and well…. doing anything and everything   underhandedly…  jsut not ethical.. moral or good business.. in the long run i hope what goes around comes around  for  these thieves….   i have thousands of thee type of examples and experiences that have changed the  course of my life ..
and  who  maliciously and  with deliberate  intent  were executed by whoever these  people are…… i know they are not brave enough to  own up to their responsibility for ruining lives… when i say  i wasn’t paid ( by whoever was pretending to be my mom at the time…. )  for they years  of work  helping to create websites.. and all sorts  of avenues for advertising, marketing,   deemed necessary for  a business to succeed… these people on the phone… sometimes get really defensive..  one time it was like argue with a bratty little kid… who wanted to justifiy why he or she stole…. there is no excuse.. hate to tell you people .. but you can lie all you want .. what you did  was wrong… to steal is wrong…  you should have to deal with the consequences of your actions.. just like i have to live with  the consequences of your  actions…. your lies on the  phone…… .your bulling just unforgivable….    ( you know i realized that karn kahel never once said she was sorry…. not once… )  hummm you boys still think karen, katie or kimmy or whoever is nice?

another example…  happening right now… now.. trying to reach people who would  help …. in a heartbeat…  they would help… but after years of god only knows what was told to them…  so many people are probably not wiling to believe  everything… an now is when i really need to make sure i can reach my genuine friends and family…. for real…. but   by  manipulating  the emails.. and the messages… they have not only wasted precious time… but  not allowed a positive solution for a horrible situation… i know for a fact that my sister Maura could have fixed  all of this before the condo went up for auction…. she is a real estate lawyer…. she would have most probably had the  lawyers  fees and interest dismissed..or waived.. she would have know all about he right of redemption… and all the  things i have  to learn about on my own…  but just by getting rid of the  fees.. the total due would have been so much less… approx.  21,000 to come up with….. and i bet she would have been able to post pone  or work out a settlement that i could have used the  equity in the  condo… to redeem the value.. so i could have paid it myself…. . and it would have been all over in a few days if not a week….   if you are able to  talk to the correct and helpful people  it would have  been fixed…. easily fixed… and for my benefit… and there wouldn’t be a horrible outcome that is totally  the result  from the manipulation of the situation….  once again i say… malicious intent…. premeditated, deliberate… and calculated…..

 
Maura has never been like some punishing god who wants to harm me… its not who i ever  knew as my sister….  ask gloria fletcher.. or blake fletcher… or anyone who knows her….   for Gods sake this isn’t a game it is my real life…. and i have to deal with the real consequences of not  begin able to contact the family/friends  who can help me make everything right…  dont you get it?… you  are ruining a real life.. my real life….

again i repeat.. my sister Maura.. is not like some punishing  GOD… who is out to  harm me to see what will happen .. or worse yet who doesn’t  care what will happen… she just wouldn’t . do that or be like that …. she’s a great lawyer…. with great advice… and i know would have fixed this  situation in a minute…. ….

It feel as if these sickos onteh phone also  don’t want me to have  any friends.. and especially  any  friends  who made wise choices and have  secure  finances….  even family or friends  that would  be willing to help so i could just borrow  the money .. get my home back..then pay them  back….. some of  these people on the   phone have  wanted to really profit and  i mean big time profit… off my misfortune.. ..   they have yelled at  me.. not knwing anything aobut me or mywork ethic.. theytellme to go get a job… that  they have been  telling me this for years… which is a lie.. that acuallyjstu started recently… of couse th eiditos ont he phone dont knwo tha i helped mymom whtn i ws 10 or 11 and  we allhelped withher tours… learneto ansere th aphone with proper etiquette… and  gained tha entrpreneural spitit. aobu the same time…HA! theydont knwo tha kathey yung an i  started a peanut brittle busniess.. when we wer 11 or 12… that  i thought it ws funto hve money adn starte busnesses.. i still do…. in fact they had no idea tha i had contracts   15,000.00  per project… when i was still faux painting for my own  business… with a minimum of $825.00 to walk into  a room ( including stenciled boarder or a powder bath… to do anything…. that my  contract s for  the projects.. the sample boards.. and every aspect of the business.. i was excited to create…  all i can say is that  i know  last year when i was working with  group of sitters  at the  Edwards Jones group….  one sitter named Andrea mots said her husband was yelling  at her to get a job.. now i never met the man…  and i don’t know who  these people are acting like but  I can definitely  tell you i don’t enjoy this personality at all…..not one bit!…  who needs about be accused of not working enough.. or yelled at to go get a job when they  know nothing of me or my life…  and my family  helped to chose careers not just jobs.. and carers that you were passionate about… my dad was really big on finding something hat you liked to do… since when you love what you do it isn’t like work…

 i can tell you … the truth… its just not the same….   nothing like  that philosophy…  has one  of the conversations… nothing  nice.. and thought provoking… or inspirational…  who are these people? mostly  i get upset at them trying to predict a horrid future for me…  or who are they acting like?…. its not like  my family….  and its like  sometimes it is a repeated  tape… nothing real or original..or normal… hen they find a sore spot.. like i get sensitive when they talk bad about  my sisters..then they  so for the  kill… and try to make me really upset.. or when they want t me to believe the  worst thing ever…. ..that i have to move from a home i have had since1999…. that my mom and dad helped  me to pick out… lose my home and have nothing…then they l go on and on until i have a stomach ache and get mad… and eventually cry…. ….  its  like they have a series f scripts thy read from… or a series of events/ stories…. with the argument.. the same hurting…  but like different people saying the same things…. does that make any sense… its like they only know one page of dialogue.. nothing before the page and nothing after.. jut one page…..and if its  rotten page…. then  i get to cry a lot…. and its like the girls know who might  be listening.. who they want to  make me look bad for and how…   they are clever i must give them that.. and sneaky and of course so fake it isn’t  funny i bit they put on a fake smile and act so sweet.. ( not  genuine in the least….especially  if they can bully….. like they do… well… then ti guess evil comes in all sorts of packages… )  but karne used to actually trespass at eh exact moment  i was leaving my home..in fact a few times she ran right in front of my car…. and i would be upset for house… same with the cards i would  get that&nb
sp; were post marked from Cleveland.. and anonymous.(of course) .. but had mean messages inside…. i  eventually became  so frightened to open anything… that might be from the bullies… an their families…. and when i did  by mistake… i and would get upset…it would take so long to calm down… i guess that is why they did it to spoil holidays…     

   my voice  is horse.. and stomach hurts.. i hate that thee strangers want me to have this horrid unloving and rotten family… so not only  is it o.k. to bully me… and make me cry.. but to isolate me form real family members who actually know and love me…

 i’m assuming since  they have tried to get me to speak bad of y sisters.. they  have most probably done this to them… made them speak bad of me?.. or did my sisters  stand up for me? ..i wonder….  anyway… tired and  have written allot…  its ashame thiswebsite was supposed to be all about he fun of dating and meeting mr. right… and love and romance.. and…. 

story #1

to everyone at eh Gormet shop ( rttz carlton beach resort naples florida )

i dont knwo if in a card i can honestly and with teh sincerest heart let you know how gratedful and thankful i am fo r yoru kindness  oyour friendship adn your warn smilesagreetings over these past years.. but inthis card i will certainly tryto convey the epth of my appreciation!
When people or teh workd woudl seem to make me cry or bully me.. i knew when i woudl ‘run away.. to teh ritz carlon beach resort  come to  the gormet shop and get my vanila icecream i knew  somehow things woudl start to get better mytears woudl stop  your smiles and warm hello  great and familiar faces were always so freindsly sweet an cice and chaged whatever was going aroun me.. i jstu want to take a moment to thak you fromteh bottoma o fmyheart for al tyour kindness decency adn freindship and to let you know that you mada  positive diffeence in my life an i cant begina to tell youthank you enough.. incase i sont get a chance to bring any small gifts acrds aro giagngerbtad men this  holiay season  i want to make sure you ar aware of how much i appreciat al of ou guys and all teh peole and the ritz carlton beach resort ni naples 

I guess you can consider this a bit of an  early holiday /christmas card wth teh warmenst of wishes for ou and yoru families.. i am stil saying that st jude novena everyday and include  your an yoru familys with a prayer for protection form harm adn for blessign youadn yoru families may bl yoru wishes adn dreams come true adn may ou ahve a great new year! with sincerest than kyou for everything luv mary jean ziska

late last night i went to go and say my novena… at st John’s catholic church …. I also stopped by see the beach.  I hadn’t been there in a while… and it is always so peaceful… and private….  i do my usual… lucky rub on the camel head… bless myself… and  soak in the waves… the sights the sounds and the wind… say a small prayer.. say out loud where the hell are you god?…. and then I went by the  ritz carlton beach resort…   I had written early thank you and holiday greetings cards… and  gave one to the valets.. and found  out the  time the gourmet shop was supposed to open… in the morning… I wanted to wake up early….  go there get their delicious scones and croissants avec chocolate… and  start my day trying to see if god and all my friends and  family would  be able to produce a miracle for this horrible situation of my home being  auctioned …. or the hoa to be paid… no auction… and  this to be all over….  no more tears.. no more of someone profiting from my suffereing…. and for great adn wonderful things to start happening… 

i did wake up early… and get on the treadmill.. showered and had some breakfast… then  by the time i was ready to go to the ritz… it was too close to the    time i had set up an appointment   for the  bank.. i went to two banks to see if it was possible to get a loan.. to do something…   there was an option of having  a CD or savings account and getting a  loan based on that…  would  have been the  fastest way to do something…  but to no avail….
so starting to cry..to feel like God and  everyone had basically abandoned me….. at least everyone i had spoken to on the phone….   i went to St john’s catholic church to see if father Len was there so i could tell him that God hasn’t come through with a miracle … and it was really cutting it close….  and  to ask Why?  Why hadn’t my st Jude prayer been answered…. was i saying the prayer wrong? or what was the real deal… 

Father Len wasn’t there so i spoke with a new priest Father tom Kelly…..  super nice .. and about my age… we spoke for a really long time…  we had a chance to talk about everything … not jsut about  god.. or  about  prayers…  he let me sit in his seat and we did a bit a of a roll reversal i guess you could call it.. where i was telling him  to believe in miracles… to be positive and that  the church has a ton of resources that everything was going to work out  according to  my heart and desires..that god doesn’t  give his child a stone instead of a fish when he is hungry…( totally misquoted….  the scripture .. sorry….)     but we talked abut the newsboy song ” shine.” and how people should be something other s want to emulate…. that is how or why people will start believing and have faith…  we spoke abut all the horrid experiences i have had to go through…including bullies and i even showed him karn kahel’s picture adn todl him she used to go tht st john’s …. and how the one tme i went to church she even went to sit by me and when I  moved to another seat…  she moved.. to be close to me… i guess it scare me… or make me feel uncomfortable… who knows why anyone bulliles..or harms others except for their own selfish intensions… he  even pulled up my website www.mysearchforjustice.com .  We talked abut families.. and i told him of the most recent  people who couldn’t  possibly be my family…  especially that dad… a horrible dad who said if i committed  suicide it wouldn’t affect his life… definitely not my dad.. or even a friend… lt alone some one who cared and loved me…  i must say by the time i left i wasn’t crying anymore.. and  i have hope that  this entire situation will be resolved and i will have my home… and in  my name… and  life can  hopefully  and god willing go back to what it should  have been…. please pray  for me….   we even talked abuot some ideas for the church to  introduce some great new services… like helping to encourage and  assist  in people  starting new businesses.. or angel investing so they can help businesses   grow…   he thought my calling was to be an entrepreneur…  (at one point in time he thought maybe i had a calling to suffer… to  which i replied …absolutely not…. HA!) we talked abut a service where businesses could find assistance and resources to help  them be more successful…  then do a  donation …. maybe a time of service and money to then help another  person and business to succeed… my mom said it was a bit like a “pay it forward” situation…. ( and guess what? on channel #96 tonight is the movie “pay it forward”…  weird coincidences…  right? )

anyway…. after seeing father Kelly I was soooo tired and exhausted… I came home and ate something  and  crashed….. i felt like  i  could  have  just slept forever… even thought i wanted to just  rest  my eyes until the swelling went down…  and my stomach and heart stopped being upset whenever i thought about what some people  are  wanting me to go through…. to lose my home.. my business.. and  everything…

I actually  had someone  on the phone tonight  tell me its no big deal..losing everything….. finally I thought  of a good comeback… I should  just  tell these people… the ones who want me to lose everything…  is so good for them to know that since possessions  or a home doesn’t matter to them it is good to know  that they will give up everything they have…. for someone else…  or jsut  lose everything…I bet they wouldn’t be so passive… if it was happening to them….. right? or to their children….

I forgot to mention that when i left the  ritz i saw two police  cars pulling over this silver car…   one car ended up leaving and for a light moment he was behind me and i  felt safe.. safe like when my friend Scott or anyone who was really a friend or great family member would protect me from all harm…  like someone ” has your  back”…… and i will be safe from harm.. and after meeting with the priest… that somehow a miracle will happen and I will  have my heart desires… my condo in my name with it all paid off and be able to start fresh with no drama and trauma…     except I would want to have a video security surveillance..  to stop all future drama and trauma….  gosh wouldn’t  that be great…..   or a multimillion dollar lottery ticket….  immediately… ( the lotto and power ball tickets for wed the  20th didn’t win at all…. )