Thursday July 21st 2011 @ ( events of yesterday and today..).

late last night i went to go and say my novena… at st John’s catholic church …. I also stopped by see the beach.  I hadn’t been there in a while… and it is always so peaceful… and private….  i do my usual… lucky rub on the camel head… bless myself… and  soak in the waves… the sights the sounds and the wind… say a small prayer.. say out loud where the hell are you god?…. and then I went by the  ritz carlton beach resort…   I had written early thank you and holiday greetings cards… and  gave one to the valets.. and found  out the  time the gourmet shop was supposed to open… in the morning… I wanted to wake up early….  go there get their delicious scones and croissants avec chocolate… and  start my day trying to see if god and all my friends and  family would  be able to produce a miracle for this horrible situation of my home being  auctioned …. or the hoa to be paid… no auction… and  this to be all over….  no more tears.. no more of someone profiting from my suffereing…. and for great adn wonderful things to start happening… 

i did wake up early… and get on the treadmill.. showered and had some breakfast… then  by the time i was ready to go to the ritz… it was too close to the    time i had set up an appointment   for the  bank.. i went to two banks to see if it was possible to get a loan.. to do something…   there was an option of having  a CD or savings account and getting a  loan based on that…  would  have been the  fastest way to do something…  but to no avail….
so starting to cry..to feel like God and  everyone had basically abandoned me….. at least everyone i had spoken to on the phone….   i went to St john’s catholic church to see if father Len was there so i could tell him that God hasn’t come through with a miracle … and it was really cutting it close….  and  to ask Why?  Why hadn’t my st Jude prayer been answered…. was i saying the prayer wrong? or what was the real deal… 

Father Len wasn’t there so i spoke with a new priest Father tom Kelly…..  super nice .. and about my age… we spoke for a really long time…  we had a chance to talk about everything … not jsut about  god.. or  about  prayers…  he let me sit in his seat and we did a bit a of a roll reversal i guess you could call it.. where i was telling him  to believe in miracles… to be positive and that  the church has a ton of resources that everything was going to work out  according to  my heart and desires..that god doesn’t  give his child a stone instead of a fish when he is hungry…( totally misquoted….  the scripture .. sorry….)     but we talked abut the newsboy song ” shine.” and how people should be something other s want to emulate…. that is how or why people will start believing and have faith…  we spoke abut all the horrid experiences i have had to go through…including bullies and i even showed him karn kahel’s picture adn todl him she used to go tht st john’s …. and how the one tme i went to church she even went to sit by me and when I  moved to another seat…  she moved.. to be close to me… i guess it scare me… or make me feel uncomfortable… who knows why anyone bulliles..or harms others except for their own selfish intensions… he  even pulled up my website www.mysearchforjustice.com .  We talked abut families.. and i told him of the most recent  people who couldn’t  possibly be my family…  especially that dad… a horrible dad who said if i committed  suicide it wouldn’t affect his life… definitely not my dad.. or even a friend… lt alone some one who cared and loved me…  i must say by the time i left i wasn’t crying anymore.. and  i have hope that  this entire situation will be resolved and i will have my home… and in  my name… and  life can  hopefully  and god willing go back to what it should  have been…. please pray  for me….   we even talked abuot some ideas for the church to  introduce some great new services… like helping to encourage and  assist  in people  starting new businesses.. or angel investing so they can help businesses   grow…   he thought my calling was to be an entrepreneur…  (at one point in time he thought maybe i had a calling to suffer… to  which i replied …absolutely not…. HA!) we talked abut a service where businesses could find assistance and resources to help  them be more successful…  then do a  donation …. maybe a time of service and money to then help another  person and business to succeed… my mom said it was a bit like a “pay it forward” situation…. ( and guess what? on channel #96 tonight is the movie “pay it forward”…  weird coincidences…  right? )

anyway…. after seeing father Kelly I was soooo tired and exhausted… I came home and ate something  and  crashed….. i felt like  i  could  have  just slept forever… even thought i wanted to just  rest  my eyes until the swelling went down…  and my stomach and heart stopped being upset whenever i thought about what some people  are  wanting me to go through…. to lose my home.. my business.. and  everything…

I actually  had someone  on the phone tonight  tell me its no big deal..losing everything….. finally I thought  of a good comeback… I should  just  tell these people… the ones who want me to lose everything…  is so good for them to know that since possessions  or a home doesn’t matter to them it is good to know  that they will give up everything they have…. for someone else…  or jsut  lose everything…I bet they wouldn’t be so passive… if it was happening to them….. right? or to their children….

I forgot to mention that when i left the  ritz i saw two police  cars pulling over this silver car…   one car ended up leaving and for a light moment he was behind me and i  felt safe.. safe like when my friend Scott or anyone who was really a friend or great family member would protect me from all harm…  like someone ” has your  back”…… and i will be safe from harm.. and after meeting with the priest… that somehow a miracle will happen and I will  have my heart desires… my condo in my name with it all paid off and be able to start fresh with no drama and trauma…     except I would want to have a video security surveillance..  to stop all future drama and trauma….  gosh wouldn’t  that be great…..   or a multimillion dollar lottery ticket….  immediately… ( the lotto and power ball tickets for wed the  20th didn’t win at all…. )